Making It Look Easy - Fears & Failures of A Perfectionist

I'm a perfectionist.

This is both a blessing & a curse. It means I'm thorough. It means I'm dependable. It means I'm diligent. It means I pay close attention to details. It means I put extra effort into even the simplest task. It means I'm determined to do quality work. However... it also means I keep my guard up. It means I'm bothered by things most people don't even notice. It means I spend extra time ensuring no one sees my mistakes. And more often than not, it means I'm exhausted due to all of the above.

It has recently occurred to me that I've made a life out of "making it look easy." Nothing in my life is arbitrary. Nothing in my world just falls into place simply because I woke up today. None of my relationships maintain themselves. Yet, that's what I would have you believe, because I put so much effort into making it look easy. Seems to be a bit of a contradiction, don't you think? All that EFFORT, to make it appear EASY.

This perfectionism has significantly impacted my relationships with others. I am genuinely a people person. I love my friends & family to the ends of the earth. And I am fascinated with getting to know new people in my life. The dark side of that trait is that most "people persons" are "people pleasers." And that, I am ... to a fault.

I have gone above and beyond to become so dependable to certain folks in my life, that it has spoiled them, and stunted my growth. Whether it is at work, at home, or at play, I try to be irreplaceable. The problem with this is that if I'm irreplaceable right where I am, then I can never move forward.

My perfectionism has also helped feed my fears. Fear of Failure - check! I keep from taking risks, because I'm afraid to fail. But what I'm forgetting is that not taking the risk at all is failing me anyway. I hold myself back from new opportunities, because I'm afraid I won't be simply AWESOME at them. We'll classify that one under Fear of Mediocrity. I also have a Fear of Vulnerability. Do I honestly think that my friends are so shallow that they couldn't love me flaws & all? No. But my behavior indicates that I do. I try to be the strong one, the wise one, the "together" one. I go to great lengths not to let them see me fall apart. Yet deep down, I'm just a hot mess like everyone else. But I have a hard time letting anyone see that.

When it all comes down to it, I'm a Golden Rule hypocrite. I try to treat others as I'd like to be treated: with compassion, respect, gentleness, understanding, patience, love, and encouragement. Yet I fail to treat myself with the same. When it comes to others, I forgive freely. When it comes to myself, I leave no allowance for mistakes.

Before anyone gets the wrong idea of me, let me make a couple things very clear: I'm not a fraud or a fake. I don't kick it into People Pleasing Mode as a tool of manipulation. I genuinely care about people, and my motivations are pure and from the heart. I just have a hard time bumping The Rest of The World from the top of my priority list. As far as vulnerability with friends, or the lack thereof, it's not an intentional shutting out. It's misguided self-preservation. As I learn to be more gentle with myself, I'll learn to let you in and welcome your gentleness as well.

In summary, I need to start learning about 2 through 9. I've operated in extremes for so long, that I forgot anything existed between 1 and 10. I give nothing, or I give everything until I'm depleted. It's time for this perfectionist to start exercising some moderation. And here are some quotes to inspire me along the way...

"No one is perfect... that's why pencils have erasers." ~Author Unknown

"A man would do nothing if he waited until he could do it so well that no one could find fault." ~John Henry Newman

"To escape criticism - do nothing, say nothing, be nothing." ~Elbert Hubbard

"Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best." ~Henry van Dyke

"Once you accept the fact that you're not perfect, then you develop some confidence." ~Rosalynn Carter

"The imperfections of a man, his frailties, his faults, are just as important as his virtues. You can't separate them. They're wedded." ~Henry Miller

"You see, when weaving a blanket, an Indian woman leaves a flaw in the weaving of that blanket to let the soul out." ~Martha Graham

"Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it." ~Salvador Dali